127. What's been going on... SS

Hi everyone!

I hope you're all doing great! I've been gone for so long it's actually sad... I came back here just to tell you about what has happened, what is happening and what is going to happen. I won't be seen for some time because of those reasons, so I'd be really pleased if you'd read this whole text.

Don't worry, my physical health has kept me in line for the most part, so nothing ultra-serious is going to happen! At least that's what I hope, with all my beating heart.

Many of you might know that I'm aiming for a healthier body - and through that, a healthier life. I've been overweight for a few years now, and have been wanting to change that for the longest while. (Writing this makes my heart thump super fast and my finger to caress the backspace key.) I have had difficult reasons to not purposely lose weight for those few years, some are more long-term than the others. But you have seen a lot of unhealthy foods on my Instagram or older posts, and I wanted to change not only that, but all of this, drastically, for Wanhojen tanssit, for summer, for the rest of my life.

So with no clear, determined plan in mind, I turned to my mother. My Mum supports me with these things as much as she can, and pretty much as much as I allow her to (a fitness guru she kind of is). However, she had miraculously dropped a few kilograms from having this special diet, where you eat very primitively for a few days a week and normally the others. It had worked for her, and so I thought it'd work on me, too. Without taking any consideration of the consequences, I ate only 5 bananas on Monday the 9th, and two bananas and two chocolate bars on Wednesday the same week.
I should've been wiser. On Thursday I got a serious panic attack at the start of the English class. It was really intense, and a very tiring one. I had already been shivering before the lesson, but had brushed it off as coldness. I got to go to the school nurse to rest for the whole lesson. I couldn't work on school stuff for the rest of the day, I was in such... shock?

This lead to that Mum and I decided to give up the diet, and now I've just been eating normally, as healthily as I possibly can. We had planned on going to the gym yesterday, but because I was getting ill with the flu, we'll have to try again on Saturday.

This has all lead to massive disappointments. Not because of anybody else, but just for me; not towards anyone else, but me. I feel like there is no sure cure to weight loss for me. I've been in such a terrible mood I have had to pull back to breathe from social media. That's why you haven't seen me much on Instagram, let alone on this blog. I'm going to try to say this in the clearest way. By 'terrible' I mean I've been feeling the bad wind on my face: I've been feeling quite a lot depressed, to the ongoing point of a strong sense of self-loathing.

Depression is not a new thing to me, but because it came so suddenly and with such force, it knocked me off and left me wallowing in a puddle of confusion. Pair that with a steadily appearing repulsion against myself, and you've got a recipe for a downhill turn. If you don't like to read more about this, please skip to the end.

I haven't been feeling this much self-loathing since I was 15, to be absolutely honest. Now it made a return, sometimes as strong as back then, sometimes less, at times even more powerful than before. My self-esteem has dropped down and I have no energy to do anything because of the depression. In the morning I feel quite neutral, but by the evening I'm just a dead shell filled with gradually rising hate against myself. I blame myself for the smallest things, but much of the loathing goes towards my body. I'd like to change so much, but too depressed to do that much. My weight and health causes me very much mental pain. I have obsessive fears of developing diseases because of the overweight, and that causes me to loathe my whole body. I don't dislike my stretch marks; I hate them. I hate my abdominal, persistent fat. I hate my thunder thighs. But not only do I have these intense insecurities about my body: throughout these weeks it's also been attacking my personality, my view on things, my personal life in general. I've had a very hard time accepting my choices and myself as a whole human being. Hate is a strong word, but on myself, it has become something I deal with every day, every moment I look in the mirror or somehow else reflect on myself or my life. I punish myself for every wrong or stupid thing I do, be it small or big. This counts also on things I've been doing my whole life. The pre-school Pella gets as much hate from me as the Pella you're reading about right now.

I've been hiding these feelings from my friends and relatives, only opening up for my mother. Not even my closest friends know about what I struggle with at this moment. I would've wanted to keep it that way, to not tell anybody except my Mum, sometimes not telling her either what I feel. I would have kept it that way if I didn't know that I have a tendency of bursting at some point, losing it, just breaking down. I have to tell someone every now and then so that the mental wounds could get rid of the pus. And that one person, yes, only one person, is my mother.

Only the Universe knows how different my life would be if I didn't have my wonderful, loving mother to help me preserve my sanity. We made mistakes in the diet, but she is helping me as much as she can to get me back on track.

I've got distractions from my thoughts - valuable, wonderful distractions - through talking or hanging out with friends, thinking and speaking about everything else than my bad situation. I thank them for that, that they haven't forced me to tell everything on the spot. I've revealed as much as I feel safe to, not going into details in anything, really. Because I need time. I need time to figure this out. I need time to reflect, watch, accept and learn how to love. All that to myself. I don't know how long a time I will need, but I don't want to rush it. Baby steps is all it's about.

I've been reading some self-help sites and books, as I haven't been able to talk to anyone more or less professional. Their advice are on the surface of my brain, very slowly but steadily absorbing into my consciousness. My favourite must be You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero, a book similar with the works The Secret and The Power, although being much more light but still incredibly deep. And entertaining, for that part! I'm now stuck with some level of a flu, so reading and watching inspiring people talk inspiring things has been even more than my casual leisure time really has allowed. (Funny, right?)

As for posting content on Symphonicats it might well be that you'll have to wait a while longer for the next post. At this point I can't say anything. No one knows how long that while is going to last. I'll try to get a grip and post something on Instagram every now and then, plan blog posts, photograph, and so on. But right now I need to think about my own well-being. I have been pushing every thought of self-love aside for at least six months, which is a very long time for me, at the same as I held on to the lies of being 'unworthy of true happiness' and 'just a waste of time' and 'a disappointing mental case'. (Those are some of the things I've been having in my subconsciousness. They need to move out so better thoughts can take their place.) No more of that. Now is the time to let the right thoughts in.
Now is the time to start finding, exploring, accepting, and loving myself again.

In short: I've been suffering from depression, hidden self-loathing and insecurities, and with time that I will start taking right now, I will change that towards a healthier, more loving view of myself.
Take care everyone, honestly. You are all incredibly beautiful. I love you all so much!

See you!

126. Until the tree falls... SS

Hello there!

How have you been? It's the last day of the Christmas holidays and I thought this would be the perfect day to do all the enjoyable stuff in my own pace, before school takes over and brutally kills my free time. Aside from reading for half an exam in biology, which is tomorrow, I decided to dedicate this afternoon to writing this blog. Hope you enjoy!

You might remember that on Wednesday, on my brother's birthday, I got a message on my mobile phone that my BetteBox had arrived. At first I thought I'd make a video about unpacking it, but, well, because I have other plans on when to start vlogging, I left it and decided to just show you all here on Symphonicats what I got. I believe when I start vlogging another box of wonders is on its way, and perhaps then I can make a video about it!

Let's have a look at what I got!

A styling/texturising product, something I needed but was always short on buying. I always tend to forget what it is that I really need, especially if it's something that I get the idea of quite rarely. Now I finally have my first styling product for hair, yay for the feminine part of me!

Another product for my hair! It's a volumising spray that I can use whenever I feel like it!

Now, this must be my favourite of all the things I got! A face moisturiser that I've been using ever since I opened it, on the same day it came. It gave me instant results and now has made my skin into true peaches and cream! The product being by my favourite Finnish brand is also a huge plus ☺

Colour is very welcome to me in this dark or mono-colour-white season! My NARS blush just got a sibling!

There is no such thing as too many mascaras! I haven't heard of this one yet but am eager to try it out!

And to top it off, the same day I bought myself something to go for the new year. I already got The Rock Nudes, and a broken Blushed Nudes, so this repurchased Blushed Nudes palette topped with a high-quality mascara was a great present from me, for me! It was like a reward for the year, that I was, in spite of the bumps in the road, in good shape, the most important condition - alive. ☺

I myself am very content with the products I got, and oh my gosh, it felt like a second Christmas! (As silly as it might sound ☺)

On Thursday I had another self-loving pampering day: I went to a facial to get my skin cleared and my brows shaped + dyed! It was a really nice experience in a new place! I was super relaxed afterwards, happy with my brows and my skin glowing in delight. I uploaded a selfie on my personal Instagram account (@pearlsofpella - come say hi!) where you can see my freshly dyed, natural (believe me or not!) brows! ☺

(You can access @pearlsofpella here)

For the new year I started another household on Sims 3, which inspires me to keep track of them here on my blog, although very scarcely. To spoil some content for my slowly-but-surely-blossoming YouTube channel, I'm going to include a whole lot more Sims 3 content there than in this blog, just for you crazy Simmers to know! So until my channel is up, you will see my current favourite household every now and then here.

Now I'd like to introduce you to Delilah Dawn and her (future girl)friend Elynia White! ☺

And today is, by Finnish tradition, Epiphany Day, basically the day when you strip away the holidays and let winter go back to its normal living. I don't know who told the cats but one of them had secretly been an active part of it during the night! Here's what the Christmas tree looked like in the morning:

And here is the one we think it was...

...maybe teamed up with this little guy...

...like this:

(Oh meow! Looking at these pictures in the Squarespace interface I notice that I didn't have time to edit all of the photos, and therefore, they are in bad quality. Sorry!)

To name a few things I'm waiting from next week, I'm going to get a new interior for my room! I bought Mum a late Christmas present the other day, a decor catalog, and she is super inspired to do big changes to the home. Or as she says, "making the whole house like a grand hotel". Her words are quite catchy and I was inspired myself, too, and have been planning on my new room. The music instruments are going to the basement when a reading nook takes their place, for example. We're also going to change the places of my desk and my bed, but more detail comes through pictures, and a room tour video on YouTube (that's right, I've already been planning everything and it's going to ripen in the near future!). I'll keep you up to date and let you know first when major changes are on their way!

The first step toward this project is to make the bed as warm and welcoming as possible. And of course, as always, little Queen Elsa was the first to try out the freshly folded bed with freshly changed sheets!

This was a bit of a shorter post, but like my resolutions (that I think are more of intentions than promises, plus 100 in power) more posts and active blogging is on its way. Soon accompanied by vlogging as well!

Take care everyone!

See you!

 

125. Sparkly, snowy days! SS

Hi y'all!

And happy 2017!

It's been only four days of the year, yet I feel like never before! I feel energised, motivated, satisfied, ambitious, but most importantly I am happy that I have another year to improve everything I do in my life. "New, year, new me" applies to me perfectly, so to speak. I have so many plans and goals for this year, so much to experience, so many possibilities and open doors, it's actually looking like 2017 is going to be my best year yet!

And before you ask, yes, I did do a whole lot of New Year's resolutions, but they turned out to be more on the personal side, so I'm not ready to post them here... However, I can give you a general idea on what my wishes and goals are, so you won't be left too much in the dark!

So for 2017 I'm trying to keep a sketchbook and camera with me as much as possible, in case of sudden inspiration. I'm also going to do everything I can to take care of my body and soul, so I won't just look pretty - I would feel beautiful. I'm going to get in shape for summer and keep that shape with the help of a healthy lifestyle. For my blog I'm going to try to post as often as I can, the ideal would be a few days in a week. I'm also going to start vlogging when I get to understand my video camera (LOL), and I'm super thrilled by that!

Cats will get more play time from me, and I will also clean their litter boxes and feed them whenever I can (we take turns on who feeds the cats in the evening, so I'm going to do it voluntarily). Ella is getting petting and love just like the cats, but that's something obvious already. I will save money as much as possible so I can do something extra fun with them in the summer, and I will try to see friends more. School is getting organised and given even more attention, and I will make studying fun. I wish to travel in 2017, it's an ultimate goal, and if I do I will suck the most of it!
I will create a cleaning habit and learn how to cook. I will also be less on my phone and more within my own self, which brings us to the most important category of these resolutions: mental health. I will smile wider, laugh with all my heart, stop the negativity and live in the moment. If I succeed, I will be the best Pella there ever has been. For me, that is the biggest resolution - and reward - in the world. ☺

To bring my memories to the surface, I will briefly go through what my New Year's Eve looked like - with pictures!

OK, I'll be honest - I had so much fun I almost couldn't take any pictures, as I got a bit too excited. For example, I never had the chance to take pictures of the tasty sushi we ate... All I can say is that the avocado was the only filling I had - and it was so delicious (like always)!
What I do have pictures of is the art from the sparklers, pictures my mother took! They look pretty amazing, I have to say, and if you're wondering who is behind doing the art itself, it's me!

I stayed up pretty late because of caffeine raging in my body, and my general enthrallment for the night. The cats and Ella were restless because of the fireworks, and Ella even ran upstairs to hide when the biggest show was on during midnight. The cats got used to the loud noises fairly quickly, so they just roamed around the kitchen and living room area... without forgetting the Christmas tree!

In fact, it was Bimbo who decided to change his scenery by doing the unexpected: instead of walking on the tables and low shelves or sleeping on the piano, he decided to climb the Christmas tree and take a nap! Clearly our little adventurer felt it was the perfect spot to rest, without having to babysit Emi or deal with a know-it-all big sister Elsa. I don't know how he made it comfortable up there, but it was certainly the funniest sight that has caught my eye in the longest of time! ☺

Referring to "snowy" in the title, I am super happy to announce that the snow is back in southern Finland! It begun snowing yesterday and it's been continuously pouring white ice from the grey skies ever since. Today it was very slippery, and in actual fact I slipped when I went to walk Ella this morning, hurting my arm and leg. My darling Ella came to see if I was okay, which is one of the sweetest thing a dog can do! It was also very snowy, so snowy that not even my new UGG shoes (picture below) couldn't save my short legs from the tall-grown snow!

We went to Helsinki yesterday, with my father and brothers going to Pasila's bouncy castle event, which they later admitted included much, much more than just bouncy castles, and that it was tons more fun than expected. My mother and I went to central Helsinki to have a look at discount sales in our favourite shops. I drooled over Urban Decay and bareMinerals, but didn't need to buy anything... with an exception to this:

Yes, you guessed right! I'm going to try brown-to-ginger ombre hair in the near future! I'm in love with Color Masks, and the small size of the package implies that it's purr-fect when you just want to try and see how the colour fits, which suits me best. If I like the colour, I can buy a larger package; if I don't, then, well, it just ends there - I don't need to use it again. Such simplicity is needed in our lives ☺

I went to LUSH, something I had been wanting to do for a longer while. I was positively surprised to also find L'Occitane's shop just next to it! My lips were crying for help because they're in such bad shape (blame all the bad-habit lip biting) so one step towards healthier lips goes hand in hand with a lip scrub. This one's in the taste (yes, taste!) Sugar Plum Fairy, a fruity and fancy flavour!

We also went to buy capsules for our Nespresso coffee machine, and got free coffee! After that we headed to Massimo Dutti, a pricey, dainty-lady type of clothing store (if I was rich I'd go there for a crazy shopping spree, often!). My lunch consisted of raspberry and white chocolate as well as blueberry and cardamom ice cream, because hey, sometimes your lunch doesn't have to be convenient or especially good for you, but taste is all that matters. And it was super delicious, so nobody goes home to weep!

And yes, I just had to capture this - I want to try this out so bad!

Also, Mum proved to be one of the best Mums out there: she bought me this book! Exactly what I needed to get a better year started! ☺

ere is Helsinki's railway market (Rautatientori) covered in snow! Picture taken when my mother and I were waiting for the bus. This inspires me to go one day out in the morning to just photograph (or maybe even vlog?) the wondrous winter here, in its early prime!

And to finish this post, have yourself a merry little Emi! Who was (admittedly rudely) awoken from her sleep under the Christmas tree...

I'm soon on my way to go get my first BetteBox I got for Christmas, I'm so excited! I can't wait to pamper my skin and body with the surprises in that box, and show you what I got. We're also eating fanciful food for dinner, probably steak, as one of my brothers turned twelve today. Happy birthday, Pax!

I'll see you all later! Love you lots, take care this year! ♥